urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:m00niem00niem00niem00nie2003-09-22T17:03:13Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:m00nie:22212Internalized Problems2038-01-19T03:14:07Z2003-09-22T17:03:13ZI blame myself for things that happen. If I want something from someone, I would try to convince myself not to because I am being selfish. That is why I tend to give, and if I am lucky, I receive something back. That something can be in any form, and it makes me happy when I receive it. If I verbalize what I want from that person, I feel that the person is under the pressure and obligation to give me what I want. They are not doing it because they want to, out of their heart. They only do it because I have asked and they want to please me, to keep me around, so that they can utilize me when they need me. I really do not like that. I want people to so things when they want to, out of their own will, not an outside force. They should not be obligated to do anything. I know that it is a system of network in the society where each person does something for another person in order to request future favors. I am too idealistic and think that people should do good for another because they feel like doing it to make that person happy, not for some alternative/personal motives. <br /><br />The internal conflict is painful- I want something, but I have to suppress it. I know that if I verbalize it to that person, I will most likely get it. But I do not like to do that. I feel that it is wrong to do that. I feel as if I spoil myself. I have tried not to spoil myself in any area- food, clothing, leisure, etc. <br /><br />If things do not go well, I blame myself for causing the problem. Even though I believe that there is never a case where only one person/party is at fault (even though that one person/party might have the majority of the responsibility)when I analyze other people's problems, I tend to excuse others when the situation involves me. <br /><br />PMS does not help- it makes me feel worse, and exacerbate the negative feeling that I have. The feeling weighs down on my chest and fills it up with pressure that I have a difficult time with breathing, or cannot breathe at all. I can feel happy at one moment, and then depressed and angry at the next moment. I feel as if I have bipolar mood disorder when that happens. When something really good happens and I feel good, then something bad happens and I feel bad- all within a couple of hours. The good is ruined by the bad. It is not good, not good at all. <br /><br />Problems can distract me when I am in class- where I keep on thinking about the problem, internalize it, and blame myself more. Problems can distract me when I read, where I read the text but the thought of the problem is prominent in my mind, thus I end up not knowing what I have just read. I can always turn around and focus on the class and reading again. I tend to put extracurriculars aside though. I forget to do things for BST, the de-cal, and possibly PhAT (not right now, since we have not even come up a calendar for the semester!). But yeah, mainly BST, since it has the most workload. Then de-cal, because I have to prepare the lessons and tests. I should start to give the students some homework to do at home. <br /><br />I am going to try to deal with the "want" problem in the following steps:<br />1. Suppress it<br />2. Ignore it-> be indifferent -> be cold-hearted to myself<br />3. Get rid of that "want" desire<br />(The getting-rid part sounds like the goal in Buddhism. But I guess I will not become a nun, sorry to disappoint you)<br /><br />The blaming-myself problem:<br />Analyze the situation logically, and give others some responsibility. Make that/those person/people see and take the responsibility.<br /><br />These two problems are going to be difficult to deal with, since I have been doing the same thing for so many years. I will try and work hard. I have to think of how to treat myself better, because I cannot rely on others to do so. The pain of disappointment is unpleasant.<br /><br />I have generalized many situations in this entry. There is one particular situation that prompts me to write this entry. It is important, but follows the same pattern as many situations. Therefore, I am not explaining the situation because I will be ignoring the other situations and will seem to value it more than others when it is not necessarily the case.